Comments on: A Pocketful of Candy, a Bottle Full of Vodka: Who is in Charge Here, Anyway? http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/a-pocketful-of-candy-a-bottle-full-of-vodka-who-is-in-charge-here-anyway/ Because sometimes being a parent means doing what's hard. Wed, 08 Feb 2012 20:48:15 -0800 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1.2 By: Confessions of a Mean Mommy » Blog Archive » Bullies, Bad Boys and Mean Girls: When Do Parents Get The Blame? http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/a-pocketful-of-candy-a-bottle-full-of-vodka-who-is-in-charge-here-anyway/comment-page-1/#comment-3903 Confessions of a Mean Mommy » Blog Archive » Bullies, Bad Boys and Mean Girls: When Do Parents Get The Blame? Tue, 06 Apr 2010 18:42:24 +0000 http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/?p=261#comment-3903 [...] I wrote about this last summer, when it began to occur to me that too many parents toss up their hands with a, “well, they’ll do what they’re going to do anyway, so why try?” attitude that drives me right around the bend. I know the counterargument: Sure, Denise, you smug parent-of-grade-schoolers. Just you wait until they are in middle school and it’s all slipping out of your grasp. But is it, really? Plenty does elude parents, I know. But what about being the voice they hear in their heads? What if you make it crystal clear, from babyhood onwards, what behavior is okay and what it absolutely not okay, consistently and constantly, firmly and clearly, so that by the time they are 13 and 14 and 15, and someone’s handing them a bottle of vodka at a party, or someone’s inviting them to join a Facebook group whose sole purpose is to bully another student, they hear you, or something like you (hopefully, it’s their own voice, but your words, your values), in their heads saying, “I just know there’s something wrong about this,” and having the wits and the cojones to stick to their moral and ethical guns. [...] [...] I wrote about this last summer, when it began to occur to me that too many parents toss up their hands with a, “well, they’ll do what they’re going to do anyway, so why try?” attitude that drives me right around the bend. I know the counterargument: Sure, Denise, you smug parent-of-grade-schoolers. Just you wait until they are in middle school and it’s all slipping out of your grasp. But is it, really? Plenty does elude parents, I know. But what about being the voice they hear in their heads? What if you make it crystal clear, from babyhood onwards, what behavior is okay and what it absolutely not okay, consistently and constantly, firmly and clearly, so that by the time they are 13 and 14 and 15, and someone’s handing them a bottle of vodka at a party, or someone’s inviting them to join a Facebook group whose sole purpose is to bully another student, they hear you, or something like you (hopefully, it’s their own voice, but your words, your values), in their heads saying, “I just know there’s something wrong about this,” and having the wits and the cojones to stick to their moral and ethical guns. [...]

]]> By: Denise http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/a-pocketful-of-candy-a-bottle-full-of-vodka-who-is-in-charge-here-anyway/comment-page-1/#comment-189 Denise Sun, 26 Jul 2009 15:23:27 +0000 http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/?p=261#comment-189 Christina, thanks! there's definitely something to your idea of giving your kid a hug as you're saying "no" to something you deem inappropriate. I'd also add a bright smile. I think too often parents who say no are, at the same time, apologizing to their kids and wringing their hands about it,which sends the message that the parent has mixed emotions about saying no. I just practice my enigmatic smile and I tell the truth: Sorry, honey, but no.... Denise Christina,
thanks! there’s definitely something to your idea of giving your kid a hug as you’re saying “no” to something you deem inappropriate. I’d also add a bright smile. I think too often parents who say no are, at the same time, apologizing to their kids and wringing their hands about it,which sends the message that the parent has mixed emotions about saying no. I just practice my enigmatic smile and I tell the truth: Sorry, honey, but no….
Denise

]]> By: Christina Baglivi Tinglof http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/a-pocketful-of-candy-a-bottle-full-of-vodka-who-is-in-charge-here-anyway/comment-page-1/#comment-188 Christina Baglivi Tinglof Sun, 26 Jul 2009 15:10:35 +0000 http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/?p=261#comment-188 I've never understood parents who take a "what can I do?" approach. I have a friend whose 12-year-old daughter watches Grey's Anatomy. We're good friends so I felt comfortable asking her why she'd let her young daughter watch such an adult TV show (hey, there's lots of casual sex on that show), and her response was, "All her friends are watching it. It's part of their social fabric. I didn't want to take that away from her." Huh? You say, "No, you're too young," and give her a hug. She'll live... I’ve never understood parents who take a “what can I do?” approach. I have a friend whose 12-year-old daughter watches Grey’s Anatomy. We’re good friends so I felt comfortable asking her why she’d let her young daughter watch such an adult TV show (hey, there’s lots of casual sex on that show), and her response was, “All her friends are watching it. It’s part of their social fabric. I didn’t want to take that away from her.”
Huh?
You say, “No, you’re too young,” and give her a hug. She’ll live…

]]> By: Karen Kroll http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/a-pocketful-of-candy-a-bottle-full-of-vodka-who-is-in-charge-here-anyway/comment-page-1/#comment-184 Karen Kroll Thu, 23 Jul 2009 17:12:22 +0000 http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/?p=261#comment-184 Great topic, Denise, and I agree that there's a direct connection between parents giving up all control on littler things when their kids are younger, and then taking no responsibility when it comes to more serious issues, like teens and drinking. Gosh, that's just wrong on so many levels that it's scary - illegal, dangerous and may be setting up some kids for ongoing problems with alchohol. THat's not to say that I make the right call all the time - at times, I feel like I've been too strict, and other times, I realize too late that I should have reined things in before I did. But, I refuse to just give up on the whole thing, and I definitely won't just shrug my shoulders if I know one of my kids has a water bottle filled with vodka. Karen Great topic, Denise, and I agree that there’s a direct connection between parents giving up all control on littler things when their kids are younger, and then taking no responsibility when it comes to more serious issues, like teens and drinking. Gosh, that’s just wrong on so many levels that it’s scary – illegal, dangerous and may be setting up some kids for ongoing problems with alchohol.

THat’s not to say that I make the right call all the time – at times, I feel like I’ve been too strict, and other times, I realize too late that I should have reined things in before I did. But, I refuse to just give up on the whole thing, and I definitely won’t just shrug my shoulders if I know one of my kids has a water bottle filled with vodka.

Karen

]]> By: Marijke http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/a-pocketful-of-candy-a-bottle-full-of-vodka-who-is-in-charge-here-anyway/comment-page-1/#comment-183 Marijke Thu, 23 Jul 2009 14:29:16 +0000 http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/?p=261#comment-183 Great post. I'm just about guiding my kids through childhood - the youngest will be 18 in September, the other two are 20 and 22. Legal drinking age here is 18. I think what happens is it's much easier to go with the flow than to go against it. I was considered to be very strict by acquaintances standards, but I was anything but strict. I expected certain types of behaviours and usually received them. I was astounded when people would compliment me on how well behaved the kids were when we were out of the house and how polite they were to others. Aren't they supposed to be? That's not to say they were angels. Absolutely not and I'm sure they've done things that I really would rather not hear about, but for the most part, they were great. And they've turned into wonderful, strong, and caring young adults. All three are in college or university. All three work hard at part-time jobs or summer jobs. They've got great friends and they're healthy and happy. That's what I cared about. Were they furious with me from time to time when they were kids? Without a doubt. But as much as I wanted them to like me all the time, I felt that my job was to help guide them into the people they are now. You can't do that if you give in to their every whim and desire as a child - or teen. Great post.

I’m just about guiding my kids through childhood – the youngest will be 18 in September, the other two are 20 and 22. Legal drinking age here is 18.

I think what happens is it’s much easier to go with the flow than to go against it. I was considered to be very strict by acquaintances standards, but I was anything but strict. I expected certain types of behaviours and usually received them. I was astounded when people would compliment me on how well behaved the kids were when we were out of the house and how polite they were to others. Aren’t they supposed to be?

That’s not to say they were angels. Absolutely not and I’m sure they’ve done things that I really would rather not hear about, but for the most part, they were great. And they’ve turned into wonderful, strong, and caring young adults. All three are in college or university. All three work hard at part-time jobs or summer jobs. They’ve got great friends and they’re healthy and happy. That’s what I cared about.

Were they furious with me from time to time when they were kids? Without a doubt. But as much as I wanted them to like me all the time, I felt that my job was to help guide them into the people they are now. You can’t do that if you give in to their every whim and desire as a child – or teen.

]]> By: Chris Le Beau http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/a-pocketful-of-candy-a-bottle-full-of-vodka-who-is-in-charge-here-anyway/comment-page-1/#comment-182 Chris Le Beau Thu, 23 Jul 2009 14:24:43 +0000 http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/?p=261#comment-182 My daughter is only 5, so I won't speak to the vodka part yet (except to say that of course parents are not powerless in those situations!). But on the matter of little kids and delaying/limiting candy: absolutely. Denise, it's so true what you say about people thinking that limits early on mean deprivation forever. We ran into that attitude as well. But we've raised our daughter to understand the consequences of food choices, and today she makes pretty smart food choices all by herself, and has developed a palate that favors whole, minimally processed foods. She likes sweets as much as the next kid, but she self-limits. I think kids can be taught to appreciate and understand food choices from an early age. In fact that's the topic of a blog I'm launching next month. (So stay tuned!) I'll also repost something I just wrote on a writers' forum called Freelance Success, where there's another discussion going about Denise's blog post: There are a lot more reasons to limit candy than cavities. That's actually the least of it. Many candies have all sorts of nasty ingredients (trans fats, high-fructose corn syrup, artificial colors and flavors). So by limiting candy you aren't just avoiding cavities -- you're also avoiding the health and behavioral fallouts of that kind of consumption. And you're teaching kids that nutrient-dense food not only is better for us, but feels better, too. Moderation is important, but so is education about how these things affect our bodies. Then limiting candy doesn't have to be a fight, because kids will have context for the moderation. Chris My daughter is only 5, so I won’t speak to the vodka part yet (except to say that of course parents are not powerless in those situations!). But on the matter of little kids and delaying/limiting candy: absolutely. Denise, it’s so true what you say about people thinking that limits early on mean deprivation forever. We ran into that attitude as well. But we’ve raised our daughter to understand the consequences of food choices, and today she makes pretty smart food choices all by herself, and has developed a palate that favors whole, minimally processed foods. She likes sweets as much as the next kid, but she self-limits. I think kids can be taught to appreciate and understand food choices from an early age. In fact that’s the topic of a blog I’m launching next month. (So stay tuned!)

I’ll also repost something I just wrote on a writers’ forum called Freelance Success, where there’s another discussion going about Denise’s blog post: There are a lot more reasons to limit candy than cavities. That’s actually the least of it. Many candies have all sorts of nasty ingredients (trans fats, high-fructose corn syrup, artificial colors and flavors). So by limiting candy you aren’t just avoiding cavities — you’re also avoiding the health and behavioral fallouts of that kind of consumption. And you’re teaching kids that nutrient-dense food not only is better for us, but feels better, too. Moderation is important, but so is education about how these things affect our bodies. Then limiting candy doesn’t have to be a fight, because kids will have context for the moderation.

Chris

]]> By: Christina http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/a-pocketful-of-candy-a-bottle-full-of-vodka-who-is-in-charge-here-anyway/comment-page-1/#comment-180 Christina Thu, 23 Jul 2009 00:38:10 +0000 http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/?p=261#comment-180 Denise, Great topic! I live on the west coast, in the land of permissive parenting, and sometimes my husband and I feel we are the only ones who say no to our 6-year-old -- and do so frequently -- instead of parsing the reasons behind his feelings, our feelings, etc. My son was not exposed to candy early on: in fact, he once pointed to some candy in the checkout line asking what it was, and a person behind us snidely remarked, "Only in Berkeley would a kid not know what candy was." But it's not the candy: it's the boundaries and limits that we set for him because he isn't able. And teenagers aren't able either. The drinking thing scares me, as I've lost a cousin to an alcohol-related car accident, and I think you're absolutely right to see the link between abdicating parental control at 5 and its dangerous ramifications at 15. Well said! Denise,

Great topic! I live on the west coast, in the land of permissive parenting, and sometimes my husband and I feel we are the only ones who say no to our 6-year-old — and do so frequently — instead of parsing the reasons behind his feelings, our feelings, etc. My son was not exposed to candy early on: in fact, he once pointed to some candy in the checkout line asking what it was, and a person behind us snidely remarked, “Only in Berkeley would a kid not know what candy was.” But it’s not the candy: it’s the boundaries and limits that we set for him because he isn’t able. And teenagers aren’t able either. The drinking thing scares me, as I’ve lost a cousin to an alcohol-related car accident, and I think you’re absolutely right to see the link between abdicating parental control at 5 and its dangerous ramifications at 15. Well said!

]]> By: Denise http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/a-pocketful-of-candy-a-bottle-full-of-vodka-who-is-in-charge-here-anyway/comment-page-1/#comment-179 Denise Wed, 22 Jul 2009 23:40:37 +0000 http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/?p=261#comment-179 Thanks Tracy! Did you ask mommy if it's okay-- that's priceless! Denise Thanks Tracy! Did you ask mommy if it’s okay– that’s priceless!
Denise

]]> By: Tracy http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/a-pocketful-of-candy-a-bottle-full-of-vodka-who-is-in-charge-here-anyway/comment-page-1/#comment-178 Tracy Wed, 22 Jul 2009 22:51:47 +0000 http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/?p=261#comment-178 PS: Forgot to mention, great post ... hope it gets lots of views! PS: Forgot to mention, great post … hope it gets lots of views!

]]> By: Tracy http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/a-pocketful-of-candy-a-bottle-full-of-vodka-who-is-in-charge-here-anyway/comment-page-1/#comment-177 Tracy Wed, 22 Jul 2009 22:51:09 +0000 http://www.confessionsofameanmommy.com/?p=261#comment-177 I don't mind a little spoiling here and there by the grandparents, but I certainly know the boundaries of it ... and so do the grands because I have told them. It wasn't that hard really ... I just said, I don't mind a little spoiling, but I'd prefer it if you didn't xyz. The vodka thing is totally out of control though because on top of being a dumb move by a parent, it's also ILLEGAL. A parent could get into trouble allowing a minor to bring alcohol to a party or to consume it at their home. Just because a parent refuses to take responsibility doesn't mean they HAVE no responsibility. My children (six ... will head to 1st grade in Sept.) know they need to ask me before they do something that doesn't follow the rules of our home, and they also know that occasionally we will break those rules ourselves. For instance, my husband once wanted to take them to Mcd's for a Happy Meal dinner after dance class and Lizzie said, "did you ask mommy if it's okay?" I don’t mind a little spoiling here and there by the grandparents, but I certainly know the boundaries of it … and so do the grands because I have told them. It wasn’t that hard really … I just said, I don’t mind a little spoiling, but I’d prefer it if you didn’t xyz. The vodka thing is totally out of control though because on top of being a dumb move by a parent, it’s also ILLEGAL. A parent could get into trouble allowing a minor to bring alcohol to a party or to consume it at their home. Just because a parent refuses to take responsibility doesn’t mean they HAVE no responsibility.
My children (six … will head to 1st grade in Sept.) know they need to ask me before they do something that doesn’t follow the rules of our home, and they also know that occasionally we will break those rules ourselves. For instance, my husband once wanted to take them to Mcd’s for a Happy Meal dinner after dance class and Lizzie said, “did you ask mommy if it’s okay?”

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